Abigail Pogrebin

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I received a great question from www.ourpigletpdx.blogspot.com (great blog) about whether to put twins in separate rooms -- if parents have that option.  My answer is: don't.  At least not in the early years.  I think Robin and my togetherness offered some of the best memories we have: inventing the cut-throat "Leap Between Beds" game, whispering to each other way past bedtime (despite my parents repeated cries to "Shush!!"), dressing up from our trove of flea market scarves, earrings, and stage make-up, hunched over homework at our red and yellow plexiglass desks side by side... She was near me if I had a nightmare.  She was near me if a thought occurred to me.  Or a project. We made each other laugh till we gasped for air.  I think sharing the same room was comforting and emboldening in childhood. But I feel just as strongly that we were ready for separate spaces in 9th grade, just as we were ready or separate schools.  By the time I had my own room, I really needed it. I appreciated the privacy, quiet, and specialness of having my own island.  My Mom let us each help her decorate our new spaces and those decisions felt important to me. Having my friends over to my own room felt grown-up.
So my advice: keep them together till you sense they need space apart.   The right moment will be clear to you; or your twins will let you know.

Last night I spoke at a Mothers of Twins Club in Columbia, Maryland -- a great crowd of moms (and one Dad!) -- and one of the questions was about the physical intimacy of her toddler twins: how they sleep almost on top of each other and sometimes even put their hands in each other's mouths.  She touched on something I've heard over and over again from parents: that there is a natural, instinctive physical comfort in being near each other.  There's no clear science to support that the womb experience actually informs a twin pair's relationship later on, but twin after twin believes there simply has to be something powerful in having shared that cramped, dark space for so long.  Two believers are Tiki and Ronde Barber -- football stars and identical twins.  They told me they often discuss the intensity of having been wombmates, and their mom, Geraldine, describes how, when Tiki and Ronde were little, they'd impulsively climb on top of each other when they were taking a nap.  

The photo I included is one of my favorites: "Reunion," taken by Chicago plastic surgeon David Teplica, whose other life is as a wonderful photographer of identical twins.  (His work has been in places as esteemed as Chicago's Art Institute, so make sure to check out his website. http://www.davidteplica.com/mfa.html).   David explained the story of this photograph -- how he was in the hospital, poised to take the first picture of his friends' newborn twins minutes after they were reunited in a bassinet (after a brief separation for their Apgar tests) and the first thing one did was stick his fist in the other's mouth.  Teplica's impulse as a physician was to pull the tiny hand out so the twin wouldn't choke, but he quickly realized that this is what the twins had done inutero and they immediately recognized each other by that very gesture.  Then they suckled each other's noses.  

For me it's an image that says everything about how connected twins are, how ineffable, visceral, and deep our relationship runs.

(Ask "Dear Abby" any question about twins any time one occurs to you.  Direct emails encouraged: apogrebin@gmail.com)

PBS has a remarkable program airing tomorrow night -- Tuesday Feb 2 -- (and watchable online anytime afterwards on the PBS website) called "Digital Nation."  It tackles the crucial subject --for all of us -- of what it means to be tethered to technology and how we can be mindful of where it takes over our lives, blinds us to the truth about our kids, or keeps us from really connecting, despite the fact that we're "connected" every minute. The producer, Rachel Dretzin, is one of my oldest friends from high school and college and I truly believe she has launched a national conversation with this film, which all of us need to join and none of us can afford to ignore.  Check your local listing for air time tomorrow night on PBS (public television).  And watch the trailer now:  http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/digitalnation/press/

I'm grateful to Courtney for choosing my book to bring along on her "Girls' Weekend" --(boy, I could use one of those getaways myself right about now).  She was a careful, generous reader, and I'm a fan of her blog, which you should all check out for great stories and photos: http://www.nashtwins.blogspot.com/

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I've been asked often: how do we find a way to spend individual time with each twin when we know it's so important?  I know that the realities of life -- the chaos of school, work, playdates, doctors appointments, errands, family events, neighborhood events, religious commitments, etc -- make it a genuine challenge to carve out separate time with twins.  But since I feel so strongly (now that I have the benefit of hindsight) that each twin needs separate memories with parents, I suggest small rituals that can become routine.  For example:

1. Take one twin to breakfast one morning a week -- even if it's just a muffin at a diner.  Take the other twin to get a weekly hot cocoa (maybe you keep a survey of the best cocoa in town) or the best milkshake (depending on the season).

2. Have movie night once a month where you take one twin to a movie by him or herself or watch one at home-- just you, your spouse, and one twin.   Alternate months for each twin, or ideally, come up with another monthly date for the other twin. 

CRUCIAL NOTE: YOU DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO MAKE THE RITUALS OR EXCURSIONS THE SAME, AND IN FACT, THAT CAN DEFEAT THE PURPOSE, BECAUSE THEN THE RITUALS AREN'T UNIQUE ANY MORE, WHICH IS THE WHOLE POINT OF SEPARATE TIME.  IS THERE A DANGER OF THE TWINS COMPARING OUTINGS OR TRADITIONS?  YES, BUT THAT'S NOT SUCH A TERRIBLE THING, AND THAT'S NOT WHAT THEY'LL REMEMBER IN THE END.

3.  Decide to have a "book group" with just one twin -- so that you read the same book and discuss it in a kind of special, scheduled meeting over some treat.  (As you can see, I encourage food rituals!) 

4.  Have a cooking or baking date once a month, or once every two weeks, when you choose a recipe to make together for the rest of the family.

5.  Maybe have a weekly game of catch with one twin, or a weekly game of ping pong with the other. 

The overall idea is to make some togetherness about just you and your twin (with or without your spouse.)  Obviously it's nice to try to tie the ritual to something your twin enjoys (and part of this discipline is that it will make you pay a little more attention to who each twin is --alone.)   The key is simply this: a little time together--on a regular basis-- without the twosome.  It's not the norm -- and it needn't be -- but a little singularity goes a long way to individuality, not to mention a more solid friendship with a twin's folks.   I welcome all questions about twins so please drop me a note:  apogrebin@gmail.com.

I posted this on Psychology Today earlier this week and would love to hear if anyone relates to it....Let me know: apogrebin@gmail.com

            The difficulty is in beginning. 

            That’s what I struggle with.  There are so many things I kick myself for not starting: reading a book in the afternoon instead of just at night when I’m fighting sleep, looking daily at the websites I enjoy the most (besides psychologytoday.com, I like propublica.org, bookslut.com, thedailybeast.com, tabletmag.com), visiting the Metropolitan Museum instead of just passing it almost daily in a taxi, volunteering at the organizations to which I regularly write checks, picking up Spanish again so all those years didn’t go to waste (and so I can chat with my kids, who are learning it), picking up Hebrew again so all those years didn’t go to waste (could I really have been conversant in Israel when I went after graduation? – I can barely grunt in the language now), go back to spinning class (those pricey clip-on sneakers taunt me from my closet floor), find easy weekday recipes to vary our family dinners, update the photo albums (iPhoto stopped me from printing any pictures—they just amass there, dazzling in their memories, overwhelming in their number), blog more (I over-edit, which paralyzes me), start keeping a journal again (I recorded my life between ages 8-28 – I know, that’s a lot of navel-gazing -- and then stopped writing after getting married sixteen years ago;  I can’t remember why. Because it suddenly felt unnecessary now that I had a partner to whom I confided everything?  Because it felt wrong to keep a book my husband shouldn’t see?  Surely there was/is still a proper place to put my private wrestling and occasional angst.  Maybe I stopped because I was superstitious that chronicling happiness would jinx it?) 

The larger point is that I get stuck in the thought of embarking.  I can’t leave the dock.  If I was already into the routine, I’d be glad I was in it and probably forget the faltering launch.  But getting over the hurdle of beginning somehow holds me back, makes me think, “It’s too late already – I should have done this long ago, so why bother now?” 

And yet, when I think of the things I have started, it makes me realize that they were new at one point, too, and now they’re integrated, habitual, effortless.  For instance, I always wanted to have a weekly “New York Date” with my ten-year-old daughter (some excursion oriented to culture or food).  We finally inaugurated the tradition this fall and we’ve already enjoyed seven outings: she chose the Georgia O’Keefe exhibit at the Whitney one Wednesday, I chose a homemade pretzel bakery another; you get the idea.  Molly has already started keeping a scrapbook with ticket stubs and napkins from each outing.

Another example: my interfaith Genesis discussion group is now in its fourth year, but I remember mulling that idea for years before I finally put it into motion; now even the snacks are routine.

What else do I do regularly that I remember saying, “I should really do this?”

Three times a year I have a boozy dinner with two great moms from my son’s class.

I now ride a scooter to do errands around the neighborhood with my twelve-year-old son.

I finally went to my first vegetable chopping marathon at God’s Love We Deliver and plan to return to their bottomless vats of onions very soon. 

That’s not to pat myself on the back for charity work long overdue.  It just proves that it’s possible to get over the not-having-done-it and start it.

All those beginnings are already in past, not “beginnings” anymore; in other words, the “hard first step” doesn’t last very long before it’s old-hat.  

And yet I’m still irritatingly aware that I don’t retain the ease of that leap --from new to normal.  Those many projects still un-begun continue to loom large.  It’s the starting that always stops me. 

"I cannot say enough good things about this book."

-Amanda Nethero

Link: twicethelovereviews.blogspot.com

Even though my twins are fraternal I was still excited to read Abigail Pogrebin’s book, One and the Same. Abby is a Yale graduate, author, television producer and most importantly, an identical twin. Abby’s identical twin is Robin Pogrebin, a culture reporter for the New York Times.

One and the Same covers all spectrum’s of the twin relationship, I feel. Each interview she did for the book brought a new, and vastly different perspective on what it is to be a twin. I think as a parent of a twin, having not been a twin myself, this is priceless information. I will never fully understand what my children’s bond is like, but I feel that now I have a slight (very, very slight) idea. Abby discusses what it’s like for twins with an almost inseparable bond to the opposite end of the spectrum, ones who haven’t spoken in years.

One of her many interviews is with Ronde and Tiki Barber (if those names don’t sound familiar ask your husband and then get ready to hear some insane stats) who quite candidly admit that their “twinship” comes before their marriages. They even discuss how unsure they were of playing on different NFL teams.

Aside from interviews with other identical twins (including her twin sister Robin, which is some of the most raw reading you will ever do), Abby digs into the research and interviews many of the top experts in the twin field, including someone you may be familiar with, Joan Friedman. Topics range from fertility treatments to how one twin can have a life-threatening disease while the other is healthy. One and the Same also delves into twin loss and how the surviving twin copes, whether the loss happened at birth or later in life.

I cannot say enough good things about this book. Even if your multiples are not twins, you should read this book, that’s how great and informative it is…

Great news for parents of multiples!  You probably didn't need a research study to tell you that the more children in your life, the happier you are, but now you have the data to back up your own experience.  Despite the double (or triple) feedings, sleepless nights, groggy mornings, incremental costs and chaos, the greater the number, the greater the joy.  UK researcher Dr. Luis Angeles published these results in The Journal of Happiness Studies: "Children have a significant and positive effect on life satisfaction, an effect that only increases with the number of kids."  So let's raise a glass to the multitudes -- that old saying, "The more, the merrier," has never been so true! 

(quote from http://www.bookofodds.com/Relationships-Society/Family/Articles/A0395-Parenting-Week-Does-Having-Kids-Equal-Happiness and also see http://psychcentral.com/news/2009/10/27/child-rearing-improves-married-happiness/9163.html)  

Separation. Individuation. Splitting them up.  Spending separate time.  There is so much emphasis – justifiably – on separating twins, making sure they develop their own strengths, friends, connections to parents and other siblings, etc.   Make no mistake, I think it’s crucial that twins forge a distinct self – so much so that my subtitle includes an assumption that everyone engages a “struggle to be singular.”  Indeed I devote an entire chapter to the subject of separation, called “Making the Break.”  (p. 146 – it’s one of my favorites and it’s probably the most revealing in the book).  But during my research, I also stumbled upon twins who were entirely comfortable with celebrating sameness – such as Lisa and Debra Ganz, who still dress alike in their forties, or the Christ twins who married other twins and lived all together in the same house.  Last weekend I came across this blog, written by Fern and Fran, http://twiceasnicetwin.blogspot.com/.  They are another pair who seem to revel in their two-ness.  Each blog post is signed, “The Twins,” and whichever twin is writing refers to her sister as “Twin,” – for instance when one writes that she bought a piece of furniture, “Twin got one too,” or: “Twin and I are setting some goals for the new year.”  I don’t judge this in the least – Fern and Fran most likely live independent lives and would tell me (if I met them) that they have no confusion about who they are as individuals.  The only aspect about which I would warn parents of twins is that it’s one thing for them to choose the language of sameness as adults, but it’s another thing to raise twins using those terms – for example, calling twins “The Twins,” or maybe labeling them early, as was the case with Eileen Pearlman, an identical twin who counsels twins and parents of twins in Santa Monica (see her website Twinsight.com).   She was called “Skinny” and her twin was called “Fat.”  They were names used affectionately but they clearly took a toll – not only because they were reductive labels but because they weren’t their names.   The temptation to use cute or generic titles is often there with twins, but I’d advise parents to resist them.  Better to let twins decide to embrace the cuteness as adults, when it’s their choice to make and when their identities have been largely formed.

My Dear Abby of the day touches on twins' exclusivity.  Parents often report feeling kind of excluded by their twins -- as if they have a secret code or understanding which even their parents can't penetrate or join.   My answer is, it's true: twins have their own club, and you're not in it.  When my family used to gather as a whole family (including my younger, patient brother, David,), Robin and I would inevitably slip into what I call our "Twin Zone" -- gabbing, laughing (sometimes to the point of gasping for air -- see photo capturing just such a moment), and it felt like an inside joke or conversation which my parents and brother would never be privy to.  When I interviewed my parents for the book, they admitted to feeling wounded by those moments where Robin and I seemed to have forgotten they were even in the room.  They understand intellectually that these times are just a demonstration of our instinctive, habitual closeness.  But they said they still felt we were insensitive; I don't think Robin and I realized how much until recently.  Twins don't always consider the power they have as a pair, a power that takes root even in childhood.  Twin intimacy is so potent, often so intense, that there appears to be an almost inviolable bubble which can make others feel envious or sidelined.  It's not necessarily something that can be avoided, even when the third wheel is a friend at school or a romantic interest later on....but it's good to know it's typical so no parent, friend, lover or spouse takes it personally. 

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