Abigail Pogrebin

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"It was exactly the kind of resource I needed...."

-reanbean.com

Link:

One and the Same tells the story of Abigail’s life with identical twin sister, Robin, and how their twinship changed as they grew older. But it’s not just a story about the Pogrebin twins. Stories from many sets of identical twins and other experts (doctors, researchers, authors- some of them twins themselves) are woven in throughout each chapter, allowing the reader a most complete depiction of what twins experience throughout their lives. From these stories, I learned how amazingly safe and secure one can feel with a twin by his/her side, as well as how difficult it can be to constantly feel the need to match and represent the one who shares your same image. But what blew me away were the stories that shared such honest emotions regarding how it felt when the twins separated and began to individuate on their own.

While the story is focused on twinship between identicals, I couldn’t help but notice similarities between the personal stories shared and the interactions I observe daily between my twins…I can see how they cherish their special relationship, but also how they are beginning to individuate already. And while I’ve been able to see for a while that it is difficult for one when the other wants some time away from her, I can now begin to understand why it is difficult for her and what she might be feeling.

[One and the Same] was exactly the kind of resource I needed to begin to understand how my twins may see themselves, as well as what I can do as a parent to help them develop as individuals.

(Author note:  I’m grateful to reanbean.com for such a kind review and I recommend her blog enormously for all fellow parents-of-multiples.)

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Okay, I realize I should have thought of this sooner, but my wonderful friend, Jessica thought of it, so I'm crediting her here and finally designating one day a week -- FRIDAYS-- to answer any and all twin questions, so that parents know when to look for it. I hope you'll still check out this blog on other days, but I want you to be able to depend on a Friday Dear Abby question (and answer) and I'm encouraging you to send me ANY QUESTION WHICH OCCURS TO YOU about your multiples or anyone else's.  I'm happy to do research if required.  Questions can be written in the comments section here or emailed to me directly: apogrebin@gmail.com.   (See some of my previous blogs to get some idea of how other Dear Abbys have been asked and answered.)  I'm grateful to all those who have sent me questions in the past, and apologize that I didn't get my act together sooner to make this Dear Abby column appear more predictably, but blogging has a learning curve, as I'm sure many of you can attest. 

In twinship, your hopefully-dear Abby

P.S. Let's all give a respectful nod to the original "Dear Abby," Pauline Phillips, AN IDENTICAL TWIN who wrote under the pen name, Abigail Van Buren.  Her twin sister, Ester Lederer, wrote the Ann Landers column for many many years.  They may have had a tense relationship, but they were amazingly prolific. 

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"Must-read for all Mothers of Multiples "

-Ashley

Link: Saylucky

In Abigail’s book, she shares her experiences growing up as a twin and learning how to be an individual. I think One and the Same is a must-read for all MoMs. Abigail’s insight on the relationship between twins is valuable for parents who are in the midst of raising twins. I have not finished the book yet (I’m working on it, you know the whole full-time job two babies thing), but I have enjoyed what I have read and can barely put it down. I hope my girls can have the close relationship that Abigail and Robin have. I have also taken to heart her advice on spending separate time with each child….

Make sure you check out saylucky.blogspot.com!

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"I could not put the book down"

-Amanda Dittlinger

I recently read the book One and the Same: My Life as an Identical Twin and What I’ve Learned About Everyone’s Struggle to Be Singular by Abigail Pogrebin. I always have my eye out for books that will help me understand what is like to be a part of a pair and so when I saw this book advertised in a Twin Club newsletter, I downloaded it to my Kindle on a whim.  I’m glad I didn’t have much going on that week because I could not put the book down.  It made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me feel like I was getting to know the future Maddie and Izzie better. Throughout the book Abigail is interviewing other twins in a search to learn more about herself and her relationship with her identical sister. The stories will both warm you and sometimes make you sad.  I learned so much from reading her book.  For example, not to idealize and romanticize the twinship of my girls.  It is a special, unique bond, but it isn’t always perfect and it shouldn’t be.  I highly recommend this book to all parents of multiples, or actually anyone who is in any kind of relationship with a multiple.

(From Abby: Thank you to Amanda—please check out her great blog: www.txtwins.blogspot.com) 

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Okay, I know, I'm late to the party, but I FINALLY have a place for "comments" after each blog and I hope you won't leave me comment-less.  Yes, I'm unabashedly begging for candid feedback on my blog posts--any and all, past and current--at least for a little while, because, let's face it, I'm a needy blogger and neurotic New Yorker who can't face a blank box without questioning my self-worth.  Thank you in advance, Abby

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In so many of my interviews with adult twins, what came across was inequality.  Inequality of expectations: One twin wanted more of the other.  One twin wanted more distance from the other.  One twin embraced the kitsch of doubleness; the other cringed at it.  One tolerates the reptitive twin jokes, the other bristles.  One wants more time; the other less.  One divulges, the other withholds.

If I learned anything in my two-plus years of research, (not to mention my own twinship), it's to realize that the impluse toward intimacy can diverge. Twins won't always want the same thing from each other, need each other the same amount, miss each other as much, want the same independence or attachment.  No matter how parallel twins' lives might be, they're not always in synch. 

Parents have to let that disparity alone. Twins have to let the asymmetry be. 

There may be disappointment on the part of parents or the twins, (okay, everyone may be disappointed), because it's deflating to realize twins don't have the idyllic bond so many mythologize and envy, but believe me, that bond is not in jeopardy; it's unbreakable.  That doesn't mean the friendship is always idyllic, seamless, balanced.   It will, at times, be lopsided.  And the sooner everyone accepts the seesaw, the better for the twins. 

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I recently finished Zachary Mason’s book, The Lost Books of the Odyssey, which re-imagines some of the stories Homer recounted – and invents legends which Homer left out.

It’s not always an easy read – Mason bounces around chronologically, which can be confusing, and I had to rely on my seventh-grade son for a Greek mythology refresher– but the writing is often luminous and the author’s creativity remarkable.

One story in particular stands out in my mind:  King Agamemnon summons his warriors -- Odysseus, Palamedes and Nestor-- and asks them to go find the single sentence that “contains the sum total of all wisdom.”

After years of searching, Agamemnon’s men come up with this answer: “And this, too, shall pass.” 

It spoke to me immediately: everything is ephemeral.  Nothing really lasts.  It could be a deflating message, or one that liberates.  If it’s true that everything is transient, if happiness, suffering, success, and missteps are fleeting, we should learn to savor what we hold in our hands at this moment, because it’s ultimately all there is.   We should live a little more freely, speak a little more truthfully, choose a little more passionately.   It’s not necessarily deflating to know that the worst pain will ultimately lessen and the greatest joy can’t buoy us forever.   It reminds me that we get through everything, and also can’t hang onto anything.  It’s again a reminder to really be in this moment because “This, too, shall pass.”  Or to let go of this moment, because “This, too, shall pass.”  Don’t give the tough times too much weight and angst because they’re temporary.  Don’t take the best times for granted because they’re evanescent.    

I’m sure we could debate forever whether this is the one sentence that distills the truth of the world, but it’s one that gets to the heart of every moment – no matter how blissful or painful.  Everything and everyone moves on, nothing stays: “This, too, shall pass.”

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I saw this wonderful "comment" about my book posted by a mom-of-twins blogger on a fellow mom-of-twins blog (I swear, moms-of-multiples are their own indefatigable, amazing species and a club to which I wish I belonged), and so I'm sharing it here, with your indulgence.  Thanks to "Momma Bear" on Two Boys and a Little Lady blog:

"I read that book immediately after seeing Abby and her sister on the Today Show talking about their experiences of being twins and what inspired her to write the book.  Well, now my copy is covered in highlighted sentences, paragraphs, and circles.  I really enjoyed the book.  My boys are not identical but I found it fascinating that it never occurred to parents to separate their twins, or get them involved in different activities.  Also, I was going crazy over the chapter where she uncovered how many moms have such trouble with two babies at once, almost as if it's a curse, and how many don't remember the first year.... I could go on.  It would be a great book to discuss among mothers of twins."   (see http://grayweeden26.blogspot.com/)

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"I expected to enjoy it...but I found it hard to put down."

-Jayme on Tatertwins.com

This past week while in Philly I read a book called One and the Same: My Life As an Identical Twin and What I’ve Learned about Everyone’s Struggle to be Singular by Abigail Pogrebin. The subject matter intrigued me as a new parent to twin boys, even though mine are not identical. I wasn’t sure what kind of read it would be- whether it would be full of stats and numbers and quotes from studies or would it be an easy read, with a story line. While I was interested in the subject matter, I didn’t know if it was something that a person who was not a twin or a parent of twins would find engaging.

What I found was a book full of fascinating actual stories from countless twins that Abigail Pogrebin interviewed. I read her recaps of interviews with fertility specialists, psychologists, and other experts- where they discussed their studies of twins, theories, and more. She managed to thread her own story of being an identical twin among all of the information she shares flawlessly. While I did not undergo fertility treatments to conceive my twins, I found that section very informative. As a mother who has had babies die, I also found her coverage of the loss of one twin excellent.

This book surprised me in that it was such a riveting read. I expected to enjoy it, as I have always been enthralled by twins, but I found it hard to put down. I was gripped by the stories of the twins- such as the twin men who each lost a child and the set in which one had gender reassignment surgery. I thought the details on the studies of genetics and other research very interesting, especially since one of my twins has cancer and the other does not.

In addition to the book One and the Same, Abigail Pogrebin also maintains a website in which she uses her expertise to answer questions on twins. On the same site, you can find her blog and other writing. For me, as an only child, learning about sibling relationships- especially twinship- is crucial for me to be the best parent I can to my children. Reading her writing has given me great insight to how twins feel.

I would recommend this book not solely to anyone who is a twin or has twins, but additionally anyone curious about the amazing phenomenon of two people sharing the same DNA. You won’t just learn a considerable amount of information about twins, but you will also enjoy the heartfelt stories. Abigail Pogrebin shares not only her life, but the captivating lives of so many other sets of twins in One and the Same.

Read more: http://www.tatertwins.com/2010/02/one-and-same.html#ixzz0fnX6r03r

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In Gretchen Rubin's book, "The Happiness Project," she maintains that a central tenet of friendship should be "Just show up."  She's right: we all remember who paid us a visit soon after our kids were born, or who traveled farthest for a birthday party or wedding.  I couldn't agree more -- I find that so much of friendship is just being in the room.  Not necessarily what you say, bestow as a gift, or write in an email.  Just appearing for the events that matter, and not making a grand entrance or expecting trumpets in return, is the fabric of friendship.  Last weekend was only further proof.  My twin sister's son became a bar mitzvah, and the whole evening was more moving and more joyous than I even anticipated.  Not only is he equally related to me--genetically--as he is to his mother (that's still mind-boggling to even utter), but I looked around the room and saw so many faces that I hadn't seen in so long, faces who could have easily said they had a conflict or were too far away or it was logistically difficult to leave their young kids at home.  It's easy to say to ourselves, "My absence won't really matter at such a large event....I won't get to have a quiet, meaningful conversation with Robin anyway."  But they didn't weigh, waffle, or calculate how central they'd be to the festivities.  They just RSVP'd yes: Robin's college roommates, our relatives from Austin, Denver, Los Angeles, Vermont, Boston, my brother-in-law's relatives from Israel.  People just...came.  They didn't expect to be knighted just because they got on a plane or cleared a Saturday night, but their simple company spoke powerfully.  Their presence said,  "This is important.  We're here to be with you."   

So many people complain that life makes friendships difficult -- the demands of our daily lives do make it hard to stay in touch, remember a birthday, have a long catch-up phone call.  But this past weekend reminded me that friendship can be very simple: just be there. 

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One and the Same

My Life as an Identical Twin and What I've Learned About Everyone's Struggle to Be Singular

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