“...examines the complex relationship between the practical and the passionate self, the realist and the dreamer, and the importance of those moments in life that make you feel 'airborne.'”
—Erin Kodicek
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May 2010
18th
Motherhood Squared—wonderful review
"I observe my twins differently because of Abigail’s book..."
-motherhoodsquared
Last month, Polish President Lech Kaczynski was killed in a plane crash, along with his wife and several key leaders of the country. I read the story and thought “how tragic.” And then I moved on. Because that’s what internet news does – there’s so much of it, that we run the risk of becoming desensitized.
Later that same day, though, someone posted a message on my Mothers of Multiples forum stating that the President was survived by his identical twin, Jaroslaw Kaczynski. And that struck a chord in me. Because I had recently finished reading a book about twins called One and The Same: My Life as an Identical Twin And What I’ve Learned About Everyone’s Struggle to be Singular written by Abigail Pogrebin and in it there was a chapter about twins and death and how, especially for identical twins, the loss of a twin is akin to losing a spouse. And my heart broke for Jaroslaw.
“The thrust of my book,” Abigail Pogrebin emailed, “is about identity – how to forge individuality when raising two simultaneously – but my book takes a deep look at twins from every angle: what it’s really like to be one, raise one, even tragically lose one. I also explore IVF, why twins have different health trajectories, and the inevitable “twin shock” of raising two at a time. I interview many twins – including football stars Tiki and Ronde Barber and remarkable twin survivors of the chilling Dr. Mengele experiments in World War II –but the spine of the book is my own story, which, I think you’ll find is a somewhat surprising, very candid window into twinship.”
Uh huh, I thought, skeptically. Because I’m all about forging individuality and I was a little suspect of reading anything supporting “twinship.” Because c’mon: it’s just two people who happened to form in the womb at the same time.
BUT HERE’S THE THING.
I read the book. And for all my affinity toward independence and individuality, I found One And The Same to be a very compelling and eye-opening read. I laughed. I cried. And I was stood still:
I have been so focused on fostering independence and differentiation that I had, until I read this book, failed to fully embrace the awe and wonder and respect for the “twin thing.” It was heartfelt insights from her book that I was open to letting Raffy leave Mateo’s room.
There is a chapter where Abigail interviews a surviving-vanishing-twin, a physician-turned-photographer who discusses his passion for photographing twins…naked. Like, adult twins. I know. But the message he conveys is how twins in his shoots end up in positions of comfort all on their own, often in positions they were in in the womb, doing things they did in there: poking at each other, sucking one another’s thumbs, holding a foot.
The morning after reading that particular chapter, I watched my twins interact with one another, except this time, rather than standing at the ready to separate them, I just watched. Yes, in all the space available to Mateo and Harper, at some point they will end up trying to occupy the same square inch, pushing on each other, leading with their heads, neither falling away, neither complaining, seemingly just part of they’re mutual existence. Sometimes it ends up a fight, but often times not. I watched them in awe because I remembered that this is exactly what they would do in the womb. We saw it on sonograms, I felt it for several months, and they still do it today.
It’s fascinating.
I observe my twins differently because of Abigail’s book.
Thank you, Abby, for being persistent. And for giving me a new perspective on the gift and uniqueness of twins.
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