“...examines the complex relationship between the practical and the passionate self, the realist and the dreamer, and the importance of those moments in life that make you feel 'airborne.'”
—Erin Kodicek
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Feb 2010
In so many of my interviews with adult twins, what came across was inequality. Inequality of expectations: One twin wanted more of the other. One twin wanted more distance from the other. One twin embraced the kitsch of doubleness; the other cringed at it. One tolerates the reptitive twin jokes, the other bristles. One wants more time; the other less. One divulges, the other withholds.
If I learned anything in my two-plus years of research, (not to mention my own twinship), it's to realize that the impluse toward intimacy can diverge. Twins won't always want the same thing from each other, need each other the same amount, miss each other as much, want the same independence or attachment. No matter how parallel twins' lives might be, they're not always in synch.
Parents have to let that disparity alone. Twins have to let the asymmetry be.
There may be disappointment on the part of parents or the twins, (okay, everyone may be disappointed), because it's deflating to realize twins don't have the idyllic bond so many mythologize and envy, but believe me, that bond is not in jeopardy; it's unbreakable. That doesn't mean the friendship is always idyllic, seamless, balanced. It will, at times, be lopsided. And the sooner everyone accepts the seesaw, the better for the twins.
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Abby- I think that this concept is what I took away from your book the most. That it is OKAY for my identical twins to get upset/mad at each other. For me to just let them BE and to not idealize the twinness.
I’m one of those people that dreamed of having twins since I was a little girl. The fact that I did blew my mind (my girls were spontaneous and completely unexpected.) I think like you’ve said before, I have always wanted an effortless partner, someone to just BE there for me. I am happy that my daughters have that, and I thank you for pointing out to me that it won’t always be perfect.
-Amanda Dittlinger from www.txtwins.blogspot.com
By Amanda Dittlinger on Mar 1, 2010