“...beautifully captures the complex intriguing elements of identical twins’ unique joys and challenges”
—Nancy L. Segal, Ph.D.
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Jan 2010
Separation. Individuation. Splitting them up. Spending separate time. There is so much emphasis – justifiably – on separating twins, making sure they develop their own strengths, friends, connections to parents and other siblings, etc. Make no mistake, I think it’s crucial that twins forge a distinct self – so much so that my subtitle includes an assumption that everyone engages a “struggle to be singular.” Indeed I devote an entire chapter to the subject of separation, called “Making the Break.” (p. 146 – it’s one of my favorites and it’s probably the most revealing in the book). But during my research, I also stumbled upon twins who were entirely comfortable with celebrating sameness – such as Lisa and Debra Ganz, who still dress alike in their forties, or the Christ twins who married other twins and lived all together in the same house. Last weekend I came across this blog, written by Fern and Fran, http://twiceasnicetwin.blogspot.com/. They are another pair who seem to revel in their two-ness. Each blog post is signed, “The Twins,” and whichever twin is writing refers to her sister as “Twin,” – for instance when one writes that she bought a piece of furniture, “Twin got one too,” or: “Twin and I are setting some goals for the new year.” I don’t judge this in the least – Fern and Fran most likely live independent lives and would tell me (if I met them) that they have no confusion about who they are as individuals. The only aspect about which I would warn parents of twins is that it’s one thing for them to choose the language of sameness as adults, but it’s another thing to raise twins using those terms – for example, calling twins “The Twins,” or maybe labeling them early, as was the case with Eileen Pearlman, an identical twin who counsels twins and parents of twins in Santa Monica (see her website Twinsight.com). She was called “Skinny” and her twin was called “Fat.” They were names used affectionately but they clearly took a toll – not only because they were reductive labels but because they weren’t their names. The temptation to use cute or generic titles is often there with twins, but I’d advise parents to resist them. Better to let twins decide to embrace the cuteness as adults, when it’s their choice to make and when their identities have been largely formed.
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