“Must-read for all Mothers of Multiples ”
—Ashley
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Jan 2010
Separation. Individuation. Splitting them up. Spending separate time. There is so much emphasis – justifiably – on separating twins, making sure they develop their own strengths, friends, connections to parents and other siblings, etc. Make no mistake, I think it’s crucial that twins forge a distinct self – so much so that my subtitle includes an assumption that everyone engages a “struggle to be singular.” Indeed I devote an entire chapter to the subject of separation, called “Making the Break.” (p. 146 – it’s one of my favorites and it’s probably the most revealing in the book). But during my research, I also stumbled upon twins who were entirely comfortable with celebrating sameness – such as Lisa and Debra Ganz, who still dress alike in their forties, or the Christ twins who married other twins and lived all together in the same house. Last weekend I came across this blog, written by Fern and Fran, http://twiceasnicetwin.blogspot.com/. They are another pair who seem to revel in their two-ness. Each blog post is signed, “The Twins,” and whichever twin is writing refers to her sister as “Twin,” – for instance when one writes that she bought a piece of furniture, “Twin got one too,” or: “Twin and I are setting some goals for the new year.” I don’t judge this in the least – Fern and Fran most likely live independent lives and would tell me (if I met them) that they have no confusion about who they are as individuals. The only aspect about which I would warn parents of twins is that it’s one thing for them to choose the language of sameness as adults, but it’s another thing to raise twins using those terms – for example, calling twins “The Twins,” or maybe labeling them early, as was the case with Eileen Pearlman, an identical twin who counsels twins and parents of twins in Santa Monica (see her website Twinsight.com). She was called “Skinny” and her twin was called “Fat.” They were names used affectionately but they clearly took a toll – not only because they were reductive labels but because they weren’t their names. The temptation to use cute or generic titles is often there with twins, but I’d advise parents to resist them. Better to let twins decide to embrace the cuteness as adults, when it’s their choice to make and when their identities have been largely formed.
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My Dear Abby of the day touches on twins' exclusivity. Parents often report feeling kind of excluded by their twins -- as if they have a secret code or understanding which even their parents can't penetrate or join. My answer is, it's true: twins have their own club, and you're not in it. When my family used to gather as a whole family (including my younger, patient brother, David,), Robin and I would inevitably slip into what I call our "Twin Zone" -- gabbing, laughing (sometimes to the point of gasping for air -- see photo capturing just such a moment), and it felt like an inside joke or conversation which my parents and brother would never be privy to. When I interviewed my parents for the book, they admitted to feeling wounded by those moments where Robin and I seemed to have forgotten they were even in the room. They understand intellectually that these times are just a demonstration of our instinctive, habitual closeness. But they said they still felt we were insensitive; I don't think Robin and I realized how much until recently. Twins don't always consider the power they have as a pair, a power that takes root even in childhood. Twin intimacy is so potent, often so intense, that there appears to be an almost inviolable bubble which can make others feel envious or sidelined. It's not necessarily something that can be avoided, even when the third wheel is a friend at school or a romantic interest later on....but it's good to know it's typical so no parent, friend, lover or spouse takes it personally.
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Twins continue to help us figure everyone else out
Dear Abby: Is the G-spot a myth? A recent study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine (Jan 2010) compared identical twins to fraternal twins and asked these twins to report whether they had a G-spot or not. The researchers decided that the elusive erogenous zone can't exist because if it did, an identical twin who has a G-spot should have been matched by her twin; something anatomical should appear in both twins. But the identical pairs were not in agreement on having G-spots, which confirmed for these researchers that it’s an invention: “We postulate that the reason for the lack of genetic variation—in contrast to other anatomical and physiological traits studied—is that there is no physiological or physical basis for the G-spot.” Some skeptics are debunking the study for its small survey– 1800 women– and the fact that it relied on self-reporting. Said one blogger named ipanema at Under the Canopy.: “We all have our own ways of reaching cloud nine…Personally, I would not be troubled if it did not exist..."
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"...Truly lent insight into the way in which twins themselves interact with the world"
-Kellie Asaro
Just wanted to drop you a line to let you know I finished your book. And, I loved it! I have been recommending it to all of the twin parents that I know. I felt that your book truly lent insight into the way in which twins themselves interact with the world. How they see each other. How the world is different and particular to their situation. It was intimate, informative, and simply fascinating to hear all of the different stories. You have touched on so many different facets. Things I had never even thought about, as a parent, quite honestly. And so, I feel like I have a bit more to draw from as my boys grow and change. They just turned 3 last October. Thank you so much for writing your book!
Warmest regards,
Kellie Asaro
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- Reviews & Praise
Jennifer Nevadomski has a fun,,poignant blog about her four children and the one she tragically lost....She also has a business you should check out http://www.nevaland.com/ with great ideas for parents and parties. Her question was about how twins and the "other" sibling(s) -- she's right that the sibling can feel like the third wheel because the twinship can be so powerful and primary. In my book, I include a candid interview with my younger brother, David, (page 101) and he was so wonderfully honest about what it was like being the odd man out. The truth is that Robin and I love David so much, but the closeness is hard to compare, and that can be deflating or frustrating for David at times. My advice would be to make sure that each twin hangs out with the sibling separately, early on in their childhoods: make sure to help created separate memories or rituals, however small, where the sibling had each twin to himself (or herself) so that a distinct relationship is forged and solid. Even when twins have tensions or battles, the twinship usually is overpowers any other relationship in the family -- even often the parent-child bond -- and so it's crucial to keep an eye on the non-twins in the family to make sure they're in the spotlight too.
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"A page-turner chock-filled with information about twins "
-Pamela Weinberg, author of bestselling parent guide: "City Baby"
What is it like growing up as an identical twin, looking at someone else and feeling like you are looking into a mirror? Abigail Pogrebin drew on her own personal experience growing up with her identical twin, Robin, but she wanted to cast a wider net and explore available research as well as other people’s experiences. The result is One and the Same: My Life as an Identical Twin and What I’ve Learned About Everyone’s Struggle to Be Singular, a page turner chock-filled with information about twins from the scientific, to the psychological, to the emotional. Abigail interviewed numerous experts on twins and attended conferences around the world in her quest for information. The relationship between Abigail and Robin provides the backdrop for the book and is a moving and special love story between two sisters.
(Go to link for Q&A between Pamela and Abby)
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- Reviews & Praise
"I devoured this book"
-Rochelle Cunningham
Link: The Logan and Jack Chronicles
For Christmas my mom bought me this book by Abigail Pogrebin.
I devoured this book!
Josh said he has never seen me read a book so slowly. This was only because I was reading and re-reading every chapter. The information was just mind blowing. She covers every aspect of twinship. Parenting, separation, individuality, loss, everything… If you are a twin, have twins or are just fascinated by twins, I suggest this read.
I finished it a few weeks ago, totally in love with it. Then, ironically, today I got an e-mail from the author. She happened upon my blog and asked that I share her book and website with you. I feel so honored. On her website she has started a “Dear Abby” section where you can ask her any questions about twins you may have. Check it out: www.abigailpogrebin.com
And pick up this book!
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- Reviews & Praise
A wonderful blogger named Shelly directed me to Tuesday's Story on www.half12.blogspot.com.
The messages on this blog are restrained but also remarkably, generously candid. The video is poignant and hard to forget. My book has a chapter on twin loss, called "And Then There was One," which starts with the loss of an adult's twin -- Greg Hoffman lost his identical brother on 9/11--, but I also explore how parents of twins handle the loss of one. No, the grief isn't necessarily greater than any other, but it's unique. An organization called CLIMB -- the Center for Loss in Multiple Birth -- is an invaluable source of solace to parents. http://www.climb-support.org/
(Thank you to Shelly, whose blog should not be missed either: www.loganandjack.blogspot.com. Beautiful music, Shelly.)
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- that one or both sets are not identical (has DNA testing been done?)
- That they are the result of IVF - many couples won't disclose that. Still, having 2 sets of monozygotics would be unusual.
- A true coincidence
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Since my book came out, I've have received so many questions about how to raise twins, what are the common pitfalls, and what advice would I offer now that I've been through forty-plus years of twinship and two years of indepth research on twins. So I've decided to start my own "Dear Abby" column where anyone should feel free to ask me any question about twinship and I will do my best to answer your questions promptly, honestly, and thoroughly. If it means I have to do a little research, I'm happy to. I may not be a scientist or psychologist, but I interviewed virtually every major twins authority for my One and the Same, in addition to many adult twins, not to mention that I also have my own degree in "personal experience" and strong opinions on the subject. So I invite you to ask me, stump me, or offer your own advice in this space. Email your questions to apogrebin@gmail.com and put "Dear Abby" in the subject line so I'll know to open your message. I will also be blogging daily -- or almost daily -- about some fact or interesting tidbit about twinship so make sure to check in. I look forward to hearing from you. In twinship, Abby
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