Abigail Pogrebin

Jul 2010

Okay, I know it's creepy and strange, but it moved me nonetheless in terms of twinship and how powerful the bond proves to be.

This week, news reports described the nutty discovery that a 91-year-old woman, Jean Stevens, in Wyalusing, PA had dug up her husband and twin sister to keep their corpses in the house with her for company.  She'd missed them and wanted them closer.  Especially her twin. 

"I think when you put them in the (ground), that's goodbye, goodbye," Stevens told the Associated Press. "In this way I could touch her and look at her and talk to her."

Her sister, June, whose back she rubbed while she was dying of cancer, was well turned out in her "best housecoat," and sprayed with Jean's favorite fragrance. 

"I'd go in, and I'd talk, and I'd forget," Stevens said. "I put glasses on her. When I put the glasses on, it made all the difference in the world. I would fix her up. I'd fix her face up all the time."

Yes, it's taking twin love too far, but it goes to something true that I heard over and over again in my interviews with twins: very often, there's something ineffable, unshakable, incomprehensibly deep about the bond between twins, and there isn't always logic -- or even sanity -- to that entwinement. 

So Jean and June were back together, even though only one was breathing.  Though Jean lost her bearings, it's not beyond understanding.  She couldn't let her twin go just yet.

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Jun 2010

I want to thank Jack Russell for giving me his blessing to let me share this remarkable letter he sent me.  Not everyone can write so movingly and beautifully about something that can't be easy every day.  I hope this spurs others to share their stories or even to offer Jack some advice.  I love the last line of his P.S. especially because it resonates with so many pairs I interviewed. 

 

First off, I'd like to thank you for your wonderful book.  It has given me great insight into the special relationship between my five year old identical twin boys and at many times in the book (I listened to it on CD during my commute) I found myself quite moved for reasons I couldn't entirely explain.  No doubt you find yourself innundated with twin stories since publishing your book, but I'll add one more anyway.
 
My boys were diagnosed with autism at age two, and later the diagnosis was changed to Asperger Syndrome.  They are now doing quite well and attending a typical kindergarten in the fall with no additional supports.  For obvious reasons this has become the focus of our parenting with special concern to developing social skills and learning how to make friends, etc.  Because of this the "twin issue" has really been downplayed and prior to your book I don't think I was fully appreciating how their twinness would/has impacted their development aside from autism.
 
There seems to be very little research, in terms of pyscology or development, in this area.  The few studies I can find are mainly around the study of concordance, but I think there is a fascinating area of research on how the impact of being a twin with an autism spectrum disorder affects long-term prognosis.  For us I believe it is a double-edged sword.  The boys are incredibly gifted intellectually with pronounced hyperlexia and photographic memories, which they flout equally.  Because of this their "play" is of a type that excludes any typically developing five year old.  If you can't list all 10 chapters in all 43 Magic Tree House books, or name every book illustrated by Maurice Sendeck you just aren't of interest to them.  So, because they get the feedback they need in their selected topics of interest they don't branch out at all.  But on the flip side they have developed a true friendship with their brother.  They communicate in real ways that would not be expected in an individual with Asperger's.  They have learned the skills required for friendship and I really believe without their twin they simply would not have done so, at least not at this age.  They don't extend it to other children (they do with adults) yet, but at least I know the twinship has given them the "skills" to do so at some time in the future.
 
Anyway, I just thought I would share and ask if by any chance in your studies for the book you had come across people looking into this issue, or who might be interested in this kind of question.
 
Thanks again for your work,
 
Jack Russell
 
P.S. The boys were premature and spent about 6 weeks in the NICU.  When one was upset the nurses would simply put them together and they would curl together and calm.  Because they were always on monitors you could really see their heart rates syncronize.  It was quite astonishing.  It is therefore hard for me to deny that they didn't know each other already.

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May 2010

"I observe my twins differently because of Abigail’s book..."

-motherhoodsquared

Link:

Last month, Polish President Lech Kaczynski was killed in a plane crash, along with his wife and several key leaders of the country. I read the story and thought “how tragic.” And then I moved on. Because that’s what internet news does – there’s so much of it, that we run the risk of becoming desensitized.

Later that same day, though, someone posted a message on my Mothers of Multiples forum stating that the President was survived by his identical twin, Jaroslaw Kaczynski. And that struck a chord in me. Because I had recently finished reading a book about twins called One and The Same: My Life as an Identical Twin And What I’ve Learned About Everyone’s Struggle to be Singular written by Abigail Pogrebin and in it there was a chapter about twins and death and how, especially for identical twins, the loss of a twin is akin to losing a spouse. And my heart broke for Jaroslaw.

“The thrust of my book,” Abigail Pogrebin emailed, “is about identity – how to forge individuality when raising two simultaneously – but my book takes a deep look at twins from every angle: what it’s really like to be one, raise one, even tragically lose one. I also explore IVF, why twins have different health trajectories, and the inevitable “twin shock” of raising two at a time. I interview many twins – including football stars Tiki and Ronde Barber and remarkable twin survivors of the chilling Dr. Mengele experiments in World War II –but the spine of the book is my own story, which, I think you’ll find is a somewhat surprising, very candid window into twinship.”

Uh huh, I thought, skeptically. Because I’m all about forging individuality and I was a little suspect of reading anything supporting “twinship.” Because c’mon: it’s just two people who happened to form in the womb at the same time.

BUT HERE’S THE THING.

I read the book. And for all my affinity toward independence and individuality, I found One And The Same to be a very compelling and eye-opening read. I laughed. I cried. And I was stood still:

I have been so focused on fostering independence and differentiation that I had, until I read this book, failed to fully embrace the awe and wonder and respect for the “twin thing.” It was heartfelt insights from her book that I was open to letting Raffy leave Mateo’s room.

There is a chapter where Abigail interviews a surviving-vanishing-twin, a physician-turned-photographer who discusses his passion for photographing twins…naked. Like, adult twins. I know. But the message he conveys is how twins in his shoots end up in positions of comfort all on their own, often in positions they were in in the womb, doing things they did in there: poking at each other, sucking one another’s thumbs, holding a foot.

The morning after reading that particular chapter, I watched my twins interact with one another, except this time, rather than standing at the ready to separate them, I just watched. Yes, in all the space available to Mateo and Harper, at some point they will end up trying to occupy the same square inch, pushing on each other, leading with their heads, neither falling away, neither complaining, seemingly just part of they’re mutual existence. Sometimes it ends up a fight, but often times not. I watched them in awe because I remembered that this is exactly what they would do in the womb. We saw it on sonograms, I felt it for several months, and they still do it today.

It’s fascinating.

I observe my twins differently because of Abigail’s book.

Thank you, Abby, for being persistent. And for giving me a new perspective on the gift and uniqueness of twins.

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• Reviews & Praise

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"There are many things to which I related..."

-Dr. Susan A. Treloar - University of Queensland, Australia

Link:

Engaging…I would recommend this book to twins in particular, but also to people who are interested in twins, including their family members and friends….It will be an enjoyable read for many…We will all take away, ponder different messages and reflect, in which case Abigail has achieved her aim. It is a very brave book in laying bare her own feelings and her own twinship. I would certainly recommend it.

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Apr 2010

Please don't miss this incredible film by my friend, Barak Goodman, on PBS tomorrow night.  Tape it.  TiVo it.  He's a brilliant storyteller and you will never forget this story.

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"One and the Same is a fresh alternative to traditional how-to guidebooks for parents expecting two or more."

-Christina Tinglof

Link:

I hope you’ll all go to Christina Tinglof’s essential site for parents of twins: talk-about-twins.com.  It was wonderful before she added a section about my book, but now, as you can imagine, I love it even more. 

http://talk-about-twins.com/html/one_and_the_same__an_interview.html

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"...a MUST read not only for multiples themselves, but also for the parents who love them."

-Lynda Haddon

Link:

I’ve read a lot of books about multiples, and this one I could not put down.  It is one thing to raise multiples and address the unique challenges, joys and pleasures of doing same, but quite another to be a multiple.  In her research, Pogrebin has not only drawn on her experiences and journey with her monozygotic sister, but interviewed a plethora of well-known experts in the field of multiples (many of them being multiples themselves) as well as speaking with many sets of multiples across the U.S.  In addition she attended the International Society of Twins Studies Conference in Belgium to gather more data and attended the annual Conference of Twins held in Twinsburg, Ohio.  As most of us in-the-know are aware, this Conference is a melting pot for multiples from all over the world. 

What follows is a riveting, entertaining, informative, insightful and educational journey which is a MUST read not only for multiples themselves, but also for the parents who love them.  Pogrebin presents the many nuances of being a multiple, some complicated, some simple, how multiples are “entangled” and how both parties will usually attempt to seek individuality within their multipleship and when (e.g. marriage).  And some can’t see themselves apart, even for a moment.  In addition, she explores the unique circumstances around when one dies and what that event can mean for the survivor.
I could not put this book down, really.  For anyone involved with multiples in any form, this book is definitely the crème de la crème!

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• Reviews & Praise

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It's true, they're an ocean away and I never knew them, but three years ago, I came close to interviewing the Polish president, Lech Kaczynski, and his identical twin, Jaroslaw-- then Polish prime minister-- for my book, One and the Same.  I ended up deciding that Poland was too far to go for one twin pair, though these two fascinated me: their parallel success in politics and their recognizable entwinement as twins. 

And now one is twinless.  The president died Saturday in a terrible plane crash that also killed his wife and half his senior government. 

The first thought I had was for his brother.  Everything I learned researching twin loss -- much of which fills my chapter, "And Then There Was One"-- flooded back to me this weekend as I thought about what Jaroslaw Kaczynski must be feeling. He must obviously participate in the official mourning of the state, but there is unquestionably a very private anguish.   Twin loss isn't a superior grief, but I do believe it's a singular one.  

The photo of Jaroslaw pressing his head against his brother's coffin spoke louder than any eulogy.  

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Mar 2010

"I was immediately drawn in..."

-Anna B

Link:

As the mom of 6-year-old triplets, consisting of a set of identical twin girls and a boy, my husband and I have always looked at their relationship with a sort of wonder. What would it be like to have someone always with you? How is it that they can sooth each other with the touch of a hand? I have sisters, but what must it be like to have not only a brother the same age but a sister who is your identical? We look in wonder as one of my daughters asks the other to turn around so she can see “what our hair looks like” rather than using a mirror. Aside from awe inspiring, it has always made us curious.
Abigail Pogrebin gave me a wonderful glimpse into the world of identical twins in her book, “One and the Same”. I was immediately drawn in, and immersed myself in her interviews which covered a wide variety of identical twin pairs. Each interview gave a further glimpse into a different aspect of what it is like to live life as an identical.  Some of the interviews tugged at my heart strings, like the one that interviewed a set of triplets, consisting of identical girls and a fraternal. The fraternal sister always felt a bit set apart, which made me think of what it must be like for my son.  Other interviews made my heart ache as the pairs described a gradual growing apart as they grew older (which as a mom of 6-year-olds is hard to imagine), or as the topics of terminal disease as it is related to identical twins was discussed. Mostly the interviews moved me further to a sense of awe as the pairs described ‘love affairs’ with each other. It’s the only way to sufficiently describe it. The need many twins have to touch each other, the way they finish each other’s thoughts, the self-described closeness is like none other. This book contained a perfect balance of interview, personal stories, and science that made it very hard to put down!
‘One and the Same’ sheds a fascinating light on to the world of identical twins. The quest they face to remain connected to each other while forging independence. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has or knows identical twins as well as anyone who is curious about this amazing bond.

Check out triplethelove.blogspot.com

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You share intimate and sometimes heart-breaking details about how you feel about your changing relationship with Robin. Has she read your book? What was her reaction? What about your parents'?
 
I didn’t feel I could write this book without Robin’s blessing (and her editing – she’s a formidable journalist) and so I showed her a draft as soon as I finished it.  I admit that it wasn’t an easy read for her at times, and she even challenged me in some places, which I think made me revisit certain sections and rethink them.  But the truth is that Robin was incredibly supportive of the book, both privately and publicly.  I was grateful that she agreed to go on the Today Show with me and that she worked so hard to prepare for a special event we did together last fall in New York in which she interviewed me about the book before an audience of 200-plus; she made it a wonderful evening.  Most importantly, this book made us closer in ways I can’t quite explain.  It’s like the truth finally was on the table and we could get on with this phase of our relationship. 
As for my parents, they were also tremendous boosters, but feel somewhat baffled by why twinship can end up being complicated when it felt so simple to them during our childhoods.
 
You've described twin romance beautifully, and have been able to convey how normal and natural that intense relationship is, even if much of society is unable to comprehend it and sometimes views it as pathological. My husband and I see that romance growing in our own daughters. Do you have any advice to parents like us on how to prepare our kids for resistance they may get from others regarding their twin relationship?
 
My only advice is to talk about it ahead of time, to discuss the fact that their twin romance can be intimidating, excluding, or off-putting to other people and sometimes they may want to keep their intimacy to themselves, if that makes sense.
 
Many parents of young multiples are careful not to refer to their children as "the twins" or "the boys", because they want to help the world see their children as individuals, and not just members of a set. If your children had been twins, would you object to them being referred to as "the twins"?
 
Yes, if I had twins, I would object to people calling them “the twins,” because I do think it has a cumulative negative effect over time; it  underlines their two-ness as opposed to their singularity.  It may seem unimportant, especially when the twins are young, but I know I hated the term growing up.  It felt lazy to me when someone called us that; is it really so taxing for them to say our names when they’re talking about us?
 
 
If you could give parents three pieces of advice on nurturing both their twin's closeness and their independence, what would they be?
 
Spend separate time with your twins.  Even if they resist doing things apart.
Encourage different activities, lessons, playdates, pursuits. 
Let their insularity be.   It has its own magic, and at the end of the day, the intimacy wins.
 
 
We have a set of triplets in our extended family. I can't help wondering how having more than one same-age sibling would affect relationships between multiples. Do you know any higher order multiples? How would you compare their relationships to those of the twins you interviewed?
 
I don’t know any triplets myself, but I did interview one in my book and her story is worth reading – it appears in the chapter on competition.   It amazed me that a triplet can feel like the third wheel when the other two triplets are twins.
 
 
You quote Joan Friedman's distinction between being known and being noticed, as it pertains to twinship. Could you please explain this distinction to HDYDI's readers? You acknowledge that her distinction resonated with your sister's experience of being a twin. Do you ever feel less "known" because you were a twin?
 
As twins, you’re often “noticed” because you stand out – especially if you’re identical.  It’s an oddity, a novelty, people notice you, look at you longer, compare you.   People are curious, they confer all sorts of ideas about what your bond and relationship must be like.   But most of the time, they don’t really get to know you; even the people who see you regularly –relatives, friends, teachers.  They don’t necessarily make the effort to get to know who you really separately (and yes, it may take more effort to ascertain those differences.) They seem content with the superficiality of your twinship.  So they notice you, yes, but they don’t know you.

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