Abigail Pogrebin

Feb 2010

"I expected to enjoy it...but I found it hard to put down."

-Jayme on Tatertwins.com

This past week while in Philly I read a book called One and the Same: My Life As an Identical Twin and What I’ve Learned about Everyone’s Struggle to be Singular by Abigail Pogrebin. The subject matter intrigued me as a new parent to twin boys, even though mine are not identical. I wasn’t sure what kind of read it would be- whether it would be full of stats and numbers and quotes from studies or would it be an easy read, with a story line. While I was interested in the subject matter, I didn’t know if it was something that a person who was not a twin or a parent of twins would find engaging.

What I found was a book full of fascinating actual stories from countless twins that Abigail Pogrebin interviewed. I read her recaps of interviews with fertility specialists, psychologists, and other experts- where they discussed their studies of twins, theories, and more. She managed to thread her own story of being an identical twin among all of the information she shares flawlessly. While I did not undergo fertility treatments to conceive my twins, I found that section very informative. As a mother who has had babies die, I also found her coverage of the loss of one twin excellent.

This book surprised me in that it was such a riveting read. I expected to enjoy it, as I have always been enthralled by twins, but I found it hard to put down. I was gripped by the stories of the twins- such as the twin men who each lost a child and the set in which one had gender reassignment surgery. I thought the details on the studies of genetics and other research very interesting, especially since one of my twins has cancer and the other does not.

In addition to the book One and the Same, Abigail Pogrebin also maintains a website in which she uses her expertise to answer questions on twins. On the same site, you can find her blog and other writing. For me, as an only child, learning about sibling relationships- especially twinship- is crucial for me to be the best parent I can to my children. Reading her writing has given me great insight to how twins feel.

I would recommend this book not solely to anyone who is a twin or has twins, but additionally anyone curious about the amazing phenomenon of two people sharing the same DNA. You won’t just learn a considerable amount of information about twins, but you will also enjoy the heartfelt stories. Abigail Pogrebin shares not only her life, but the captivating lives of so many other sets of twins in One and the Same.

Read more: http://www.tatertwins.com/2010/02/one-and-same.html#ixzz0fnX6r03r

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• Reviews & Praise

In Gretchen Rubin's book, "The Happiness Project," she maintains that a central tenet of friendship should be "Just show up."  She's right: we all remember who paid us a visit soon after our kids were born, or who traveled farthest for a birthday party or wedding.  I couldn't agree more -- I find that so much of friendship is just being in the room.  Not necessarily what you say, bestow as a gift, or write in an email.  Just appearing for the events that matter, and not making a grand entrance or expecting trumpets in return, is the fabric of friendship.  Last weekend was only further proof.  My twin sister's son became a bar mitzvah, and the whole evening was more moving and more joyous than I even anticipated.  Not only is he equally related to me--genetically--as he is to his mother (that's still mind-boggling to even utter), but I looked around the room and saw so many faces that I hadn't seen in so long, faces who could have easily said they had a conflict or were too far away or it was logistically difficult to leave their young kids at home.  It's easy to say to ourselves, "My absence won't really matter at such a large event....I won't get to have a quiet, meaningful conversation with Robin anyway."  But they didn't weigh, waffle, or calculate how central they'd be to the festivities.  They just RSVP'd yes: Robin's college roommates, our relatives from Austin, Denver, Los Angeles, Vermont, Boston, my brother-in-law's relatives from Israel.  People just...came.  They didn't expect to be knighted just because they got on a plane or cleared a Saturday night, but their simple company spoke powerfully.  Their presence said,  "This is important.  We're here to be with you."   

So many people complain that life makes friendships difficult -- the demands of our daily lives do make it hard to stay in touch, remember a birthday, have a long catch-up phone call.  But this past weekend reminded me that friendship can be very simple: just be there. 

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I received a great question from www.ourpigletpdx.blogspot.com (great blog) about whether to put twins in separate rooms -- if parents have that option.  My answer is: don't.  At least not in the early years.  I think Robin and my togetherness offered some of the best memories we have: inventing the cut-throat "Leap Between Beds" game, whispering to each other way past bedtime (despite my parents repeated cries to "Shush!!"), dressing up from our trove of flea market scarves, earrings, and stage make-up, hunched over homework at our red and yellow plexiglass desks side by side... She was near me if I had a nightmare.  She was near me if a thought occurred to me.  Or a project. We made each other laugh till we gasped for air.  I think sharing the same room was comforting and emboldening in childhood. But I feel just as strongly that we were ready for separate spaces in 9th grade, just as we were ready or separate schools.  By the time I had my own room, I really needed it. I appreciated the privacy, quiet, and specialness of having my own island.  My Mom let us each help her decorate our new spaces and those decisions felt important to me. Having my friends over to my own room felt grown-up.
So my advice: keep them together till you sense they need space apart.   The right moment will be clear to you; or your twins will let you know.

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Last night I spoke at a Mothers of Twins Club in Columbia, Maryland -- a great crowd of moms (and one Dad!) -- and one of the questions was about the physical intimacy of her toddler twins: how they sleep almost on top of each other and sometimes even put their hands in each other's mouths.  She touched on something I've heard over and over again from parents: that there is a natural, instinctive physical comfort in being near each other.  There's no clear science to support that the womb experience actually informs a twin pair's relationship later on, but twin after twin believes there simply has to be something powerful in having shared that cramped, dark space for so long.  Two believers are Tiki and Ronde Barber -- football stars and identical twins.  They told me they often discuss the intensity of having been wombmates, and their mom, Geraldine, describes how, when Tiki and Ronde were little, they'd impulsively climb on top of each other when they were taking a nap.  

The photo I included is one of my favorites: "Reunion," taken by Chicago plastic surgeon David Teplica, whose other life is as a wonderful photographer of identical twins.  (His work has been in places as esteemed as Chicago's Art Institute, so make sure to check out his website. http://www.davidteplica.com/mfa.html).   David explained the story of this photograph -- how he was in the hospital, poised to take the first picture of his friends' newborn twins minutes after they were reunited in a bassinet (after a brief separation for their Apgar tests) and the first thing one did was stick his fist in the other's mouth.  Teplica's impulse as a physician was to pull the tiny hand out so the twin wouldn't choke, but he quickly realized that this is what the twins had done inutero and they immediately recognized each other by that very gesture.  Then they suckled each other's noses.  

For me it's an image that says everything about how connected twins are, how ineffable, visceral, and deep our relationship runs.

(Ask "Dear Abby" any question about twins any time one occurs to you.  Direct emails encouraged: apogrebin@gmail.com)

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PBS has a remarkable program airing tomorrow night -- Tuesday Feb 2 -- (and watchable online anytime afterwards on the PBS website) called "Digital Nation."  It tackles the crucial subject --for all of us -- of what it means to be tethered to technology and how we can be mindful of where it takes over our lives, blinds us to the truth about our kids, or keeps us from really connecting, despite the fact that we're "connected" every minute. The producer, Rachel Dretzin, is one of my oldest friends from high school and college and I truly believe she has launched a national conversation with this film, which all of us need to join and none of us can afford to ignore.  Check your local listing for air time tomorrow night on PBS (public television).  And watch the trailer now:  http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/digitalnation/press/

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Jan 2010

I'm grateful to Courtney for choosing my book to bring along on her "Girls' Weekend" --(boy, I could use one of those getaways myself right about now).  She was a careful, generous reader, and I'm a fan of her blog, which you should all check out for great stories and photos: http://www.nashtwins.blogspot.com/

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

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I've been asked often: how do we find a way to spend individual time with each twin when we know it's so important?  I know that the realities of life -- the chaos of school, work, playdates, doctors appointments, errands, family events, neighborhood events, religious commitments, etc -- make it a genuine challenge to carve out separate time with twins.  But since I feel so strongly (now that I have the benefit of hindsight) that each twin needs separate memories with parents, I suggest small rituals that can become routine.  For example:

1. Take one twin to breakfast one morning a week -- even if it's just a muffin at a diner.  Take the other twin to get a weekly hot cocoa (maybe you keep a survey of the best cocoa in town) or the best milkshake (depending on the season).

2. Have movie night once a month where you take one twin to a movie by him or herself or watch one at home-- just you, your spouse, and one twin.   Alternate months for each twin, or ideally, come up with another monthly date for the other twin. 

CRUCIAL NOTE: YOU DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO MAKE THE RITUALS OR EXCURSIONS THE SAME, AND IN FACT, THAT CAN DEFEAT THE PURPOSE, BECAUSE THEN THE RITUALS AREN'T UNIQUE ANY MORE, WHICH IS THE WHOLE POINT OF SEPARATE TIME.  IS THERE A DANGER OF THE TWINS COMPARING OUTINGS OR TRADITIONS?  YES, BUT THAT'S NOT SUCH A TERRIBLE THING, AND THAT'S NOT WHAT THEY'LL REMEMBER IN THE END.

3.  Decide to have a "book group" with just one twin -- so that you read the same book and discuss it in a kind of special, scheduled meeting over some treat.  (As you can see, I encourage food rituals!) 

4.  Have a cooking or baking date once a month, or once every two weeks, when you choose a recipe to make together for the rest of the family.

5.  Maybe have a weekly game of catch with one twin, or a weekly game of ping pong with the other. 

The overall idea is to make some togetherness about just you and your twin (with or without your spouse.)  Obviously it's nice to try to tie the ritual to something your twin enjoys (and part of this discipline is that it will make you pay a little more attention to who each twin is --alone.)   The key is simply this: a little time together--on a regular basis-- without the twosome.  It's not the norm -- and it needn't be -- but a little singularity goes a long way to individuality, not to mention a more solid friendship with a twin's folks.   I welcome all questions about twins so please drop me a note:  apogrebin@gmail.com.

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I posted this on Psychology Today earlier this week and would love to hear if anyone relates to it....Let me know: apogrebin@gmail.com

            The difficulty is in beginning. 

            That’s what I struggle with.  There are so many things I kick myself for not starting: reading a book in the afternoon instead of just at night when I’m fighting sleep, looking daily at the websites I enjoy the most (besides psychologytoday.com, I like propublica.org, bookslut.com, thedailybeast.com, tabletmag.com), visiting the Metropolitan Museum instead of just passing it almost daily in a taxi, volunteering at the organizations to which I regularly write checks, picking up Spanish again so all those years didn’t go to waste (and so I can chat with my kids, who are learning it), picking up Hebrew again so all those years didn’t go to waste (could I really have been conversant in Israel when I went after graduation? – I can barely grunt in the language now), go back to spinning class (those pricey clip-on sneakers taunt me from my closet floor), find easy weekday recipes to vary our family dinners, update the photo albums (iPhoto stopped me from printing any pictures—they just amass there, dazzling in their memories, overwhelming in their number), blog more (I over-edit, which paralyzes me), start keeping a journal again (I recorded my life between ages 8-28 – I know, that’s a lot of navel-gazing -- and then stopped writing after getting married sixteen years ago;  I can’t remember why. Because it suddenly felt unnecessary now that I had a partner to whom I confided everything?  Because it felt wrong to keep a book my husband shouldn’t see?  Surely there was/is still a proper place to put my private wrestling and occasional angst.  Maybe I stopped because I was superstitious that chronicling happiness would jinx it?) 

The larger point is that I get stuck in the thought of embarking.  I can’t leave the dock.  If I was already into the routine, I’d be glad I was in it and probably forget the faltering launch.  But getting over the hurdle of beginning somehow holds me back, makes me think, “It’s too late already – I should have done this long ago, so why bother now?” 

And yet, when I think of the things I have started, it makes me realize that they were new at one point, too, and now they’re integrated, habitual, effortless.  For instance, I always wanted to have a weekly “New York Date” with my ten-year-old daughter (some excursion oriented to culture or food).  We finally inaugurated the tradition this fall and we’ve already enjoyed seven outings: she chose the Georgia O’Keefe exhibit at the Whitney one Wednesday, I chose a homemade pretzel bakery another; you get the idea.  Molly has already started keeping a scrapbook with ticket stubs and napkins from each outing.

Another example: my interfaith Genesis discussion group is now in its fourth year, but I remember mulling that idea for years before I finally put it into motion; now even the snacks are routine.

What else do I do regularly that I remember saying, “I should really do this?”

Three times a year I have a boozy dinner with two great moms from my son’s class.

I now ride a scooter to do errands around the neighborhood with my twelve-year-old son.

I finally went to my first vegetable chopping marathon at God’s Love We Deliver and plan to return to their bottomless vats of onions very soon. 

That’s not to pat myself on the back for charity work long overdue.  It just proves that it’s possible to get over the not-having-done-it and start it.

All those beginnings are already in past, not “beginnings” anymore; in other words, the “hard first step” doesn’t last very long before it’s old-hat.  

And yet I’m still irritatingly aware that I don’t retain the ease of that leap --from new to normal.  Those many projects still un-begun continue to loom large.  It’s the starting that always stops me. 

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"I cannot say enough good things about this book."

-Amanda Nethero

Link: twicethelovereviews.blogspot.com

Even though my twins are fraternal I was still excited to read Abigail Pogrebin’s book, One and the Same. Abby is a Yale graduate, author, television producer and most importantly, an identical twin. Abby’s identical twin is Robin Pogrebin, a culture reporter for the New York Times.

One and the Same covers all spectrum’s of the twin relationship, I feel. Each interview she did for the book brought a new, and vastly different perspective on what it is to be a twin. I think as a parent of a twin, having not been a twin myself, this is priceless information. I will never fully understand what my children’s bond is like, but I feel that now I have a slight (very, very slight) idea. Abby discusses what it’s like for twins with an almost inseparable bond to the opposite end of the spectrum, ones who haven’t spoken in years.

One of her many interviews is with Ronde and Tiki Barber (if those names don’t sound familiar ask your husband and then get ready to hear some insane stats) who quite candidly admit that their “twinship” comes before their marriages. They even discuss how unsure they were of playing on different NFL teams.

Aside from interviews with other identical twins (including her twin sister Robin, which is some of the most raw reading you will ever do), Abby digs into the research and interviews many of the top experts in the twin field, including someone you may be familiar with, Joan Friedman. Topics range from fertility treatments to how one twin can have a life-threatening disease while the other is healthy. One and the Same also delves into twin loss and how the surviving twin copes, whether the loss happened at birth or later in life.

I cannot say enough good things about this book. Even if your multiples are not twins, you should read this book, that’s how great and informative it is…

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• Reviews & Praise

Great news for parents of multiples!  You probably didn't need a research study to tell you that the more children in your life, the happier you are, but now you have the data to back up your own experience.  Despite the double (or triple) feedings, sleepless nights, groggy mornings, incremental costs and chaos, the greater the number, the greater the joy.  UK researcher Dr. Luis Angeles published these results in The Journal of Happiness Studies: "Children have a significant and positive effect on life satisfaction, an effect that only increases with the number of kids."  So let's raise a glass to the multitudes -- that old saying, "The more, the merrier," has never been so true! 

(quote from http://www.bookofodds.com/Relationships-Society/Family/Articles/A0395-Parenting-Week-Does-Having-Kids-Equal-Happiness and also see http://psychcentral.com/news/2009/10/27/child-rearing-improves-married-happiness/9163.html)  

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One and the Same

My Life as an Identical Twin and What I've Learned About Everyone's Struggle to Be Singular

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