Abigail Pogrebin

Mar 2010

You share intimate and sometimes heart-breaking details about how you feel about your changing relationship with Robin. Has she read your book? What was her reaction? What about your parents'?
 
I didn’t feel I could write this book without Robin’s blessing (and her editing – she’s a formidable journalist) and so I showed her a draft as soon as I finished it.  I admit that it wasn’t an easy read for her at times, and she even challenged me in some places, which I think made me revisit certain sections and rethink them.  But the truth is that Robin was incredibly supportive of the book, both privately and publicly.  I was grateful that she agreed to go on the Today Show with me and that she worked so hard to prepare for a special event we did together last fall in New York in which she interviewed me about the book before an audience of 200-plus; she made it a wonderful evening.  Most importantly, this book made us closer in ways I can’t quite explain.  It’s like the truth finally was on the table and we could get on with this phase of our relationship. 
As for my parents, they were also tremendous boosters, but feel somewhat baffled by why twinship can end up being complicated when it felt so simple to them during our childhoods.
 
You've described twin romance beautifully, and have been able to convey how normal and natural that intense relationship is, even if much of society is unable to comprehend it and sometimes views it as pathological. My husband and I see that romance growing in our own daughters. Do you have any advice to parents like us on how to prepare our kids for resistance they may get from others regarding their twin relationship?
 
My only advice is to talk about it ahead of time, to discuss the fact that their twin romance can be intimidating, excluding, or off-putting to other people and sometimes they may want to keep their intimacy to themselves, if that makes sense.
 
Many parents of young multiples are careful not to refer to their children as "the twins" or "the boys", because they want to help the world see their children as individuals, and not just members of a set. If your children had been twins, would you object to them being referred to as "the twins"?
 
Yes, if I had twins, I would object to people calling them “the twins,” because I do think it has a cumulative negative effect over time; it  underlines their two-ness as opposed to their singularity.  It may seem unimportant, especially when the twins are young, but I know I hated the term growing up.  It felt lazy to me when someone called us that; is it really so taxing for them to say our names when they’re talking about us?
 
 
If you could give parents three pieces of advice on nurturing both their twin's closeness and their independence, what would they be?
 
Spend separate time with your twins.  Even if they resist doing things apart.
Encourage different activities, lessons, playdates, pursuits. 
Let their insularity be.   It has its own magic, and at the end of the day, the intimacy wins.
 
 
We have a set of triplets in our extended family. I can't help wondering how having more than one same-age sibling would affect relationships between multiples. Do you know any higher order multiples? How would you compare their relationships to those of the twins you interviewed?
 
I don’t know any triplets myself, but I did interview one in my book and her story is worth reading – it appears in the chapter on competition.   It amazed me that a triplet can feel like the third wheel when the other two triplets are twins.
 
 
You quote Joan Friedman's distinction between being known and being noticed, as it pertains to twinship. Could you please explain this distinction to HDYDI's readers? You acknowledge that her distinction resonated with your sister's experience of being a twin. Do you ever feel less "known" because you were a twin?
 
As twins, you’re often “noticed” because you stand out – especially if you’re identical.  It’s an oddity, a novelty, people notice you, look at you longer, compare you.   People are curious, they confer all sorts of ideas about what your bond and relationship must be like.   But most of the time, they don’t really get to know you; even the people who see you regularly –relatives, friends, teachers.  They don’t necessarily make the effort to get to know who you really separately (and yes, it may take more effort to ascertain those differences.) They seem content with the superficiality of your twinship.  So they notice you, yes, but they don’t know you.

• Category:

---

A refreshingly irreverent blogger, http://www.selfconsciouslyunaffected.com/, wrote me an email about "One and the Same" which stuck with me.  Though she didn't include a question per se, I asked if I could quote from her email (she granted permission) because she raised an important issue which I thought was worth posing as a question: How do twins lose out on in their specialness? 

This is part of what she wrote:

"My boys are a novelty to their grandparents, and get extra attention because they look alike, but they miss out on so much by virtue of being twins. Most of our family members haven't bonded with them as individuals. Many people (including their cousins) avoid speaking to them if they need to use a name, because they aren't sure who is who." 

Ah, yes: the underbelly of twin-celebrity: the mushing together, the glossing over, the dodging of interaction if it means having to get the name right.  Especially with identicals, distinction takes effort from the people in their lives, and there's an understandable laziness when it comes to getting to know twins apart, even among those who love them the most.  Having identicals in the family simply requires more consciousness from relatives and friends; they have to work harder to know them, to distinguish them, to remember them.  And often the assumption is that it doesn't really matter so much; the twins are a happy team, a set, a duo -- so what if I mix them up or call them by the wrong names? 

It matters.  Maybe not so much when the twins are little, but as they grow up, they will indeed "miss out on so much" as this blogger put it, because they'll be missing being known, having separate connections with the people they see at every family gathering.   My advice would be this: Have that awkward conversation once -- with the grandparent, the aunt, the cousin.  Tell them you know it can be challenging figuring out who they're talking to and taking the time to get to connect with each twin individually (by having a longer conversation with one, taking a walk with just one, baking a cake with just one), but it's important to you.  And in the long run, you know it will be important to your twins. Maybe you can figure out a system to help alleviate the relative's anxiety of knowing which is which (I've seen that anxiety in action -- people are embarrassed that they're not certain who you are.)   Twins are a wonderful novelty, but they're more than that.  And they need to be sure that their value and their relationships are founded on more than the quirk of their simultaneous birth. 

• Category:

---

"It was exactly the kind of resource I needed...."

-reanbean.com

Link:

One and the Same tells the story of Abigail’s life with identical twin sister, Robin, and how their twinship changed as they grew older. But it’s not just a story about the Pogrebin twins. Stories from many sets of identical twins and other experts (doctors, researchers, authors- some of them twins themselves) are woven in throughout each chapter, allowing the reader a most complete depiction of what twins experience throughout their lives. From these stories, I learned how amazingly safe and secure one can feel with a twin by his/her side, as well as how difficult it can be to constantly feel the need to match and represent the one who shares your same image. But what blew me away were the stories that shared such honest emotions regarding how it felt when the twins separated and began to individuate on their own.

While the story is focused on twinship between identicals, I couldn’t help but notice similarities between the personal stories shared and the interactions I observe daily between my twins…I can see how they cherish their special relationship, but also how they are beginning to individuate already. And while I’ve been able to see for a while that it is difficult for one when the other wants some time away from her, I can now begin to understand why it is difficult for her and what she might be feeling.

[One and the Same] was exactly the kind of resource I needed to begin to understand how my twins may see themselves, as well as what I can do as a parent to help them develop as individuals.

(Author note:  I’m grateful to reanbean.com for such a kind review and I recommend her blog enormously for all fellow parents-of-multiples.)

• Category:
• Reviews & Praise

---

Okay, I realize I should have thought of this sooner, but my wonderful friend, Jessica thought of it, so I'm crediting her here and finally designating one day a week -- FRIDAYS-- to answer any and all twin questions, so that parents know when to look for it. I hope you'll still check out this blog on other days, but I want you to be able to depend on a Friday Dear Abby question (and answer) and I'm encouraging you to send me ANY QUESTION WHICH OCCURS TO YOU about your multiples or anyone else's.  I'm happy to do research if required.  Questions can be written in the comments section here or emailed to me directly: apogrebin@gmail.com.   (See some of my previous blogs to get some idea of how other Dear Abbys have been asked and answered.)  I'm grateful to all those who have sent me questions in the past, and apologize that I didn't get my act together sooner to make this Dear Abby column appear more predictably, but blogging has a learning curve, as I'm sure many of you can attest. 

In twinship, your hopefully-dear Abby

P.S. Let's all give a respectful nod to the original "Dear Abby," Pauline Phillips, AN IDENTICAL TWIN who wrote under the pen name, Abigail Van Buren.  Her twin sister, Ester Lederer, wrote the Ann Landers column for many many years.  They may have had a tense relationship, but they were amazingly prolific. 

• Category:

---

"Must-read for all Mothers of Multiples "

-Ashley

Link: Saylucky

In Abigail’s book, she shares her experiences growing up as a twin and learning how to be an individual. I think One and the Same is a must-read for all MoMs. Abigail’s insight on the relationship between twins is valuable for parents who are in the midst of raising twins. I have not finished the book yet (I’m working on it, you know the whole full-time job two babies thing), but I have enjoyed what I have read and can barely put it down. I hope my girls can have the close relationship that Abigail and Robin have. I have also taken to heart her advice on spending separate time with each child….

Make sure you check out saylucky.blogspot.com!

• Category:
• Reviews & Praise

---

"I could not put the book down"

-Amanda Dittlinger

I recently read the book One and the Same: My Life as an Identical Twin and What I’ve Learned About Everyone’s Struggle to Be Singular by Abigail Pogrebin. I always have my eye out for books that will help me understand what is like to be a part of a pair and so when I saw this book advertised in a Twin Club newsletter, I downloaded it to my Kindle on a whim.  I’m glad I didn’t have much going on that week because I could not put the book down.  It made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me feel like I was getting to know the future Maddie and Izzie better. Throughout the book Abigail is interviewing other twins in a search to learn more about herself and her relationship with her identical sister. The stories will both warm you and sometimes make you sad.  I learned so much from reading her book.  For example, not to idealize and romanticize the twinship of my girls.  It is a special, unique bond, but it isn’t always perfect and it shouldn’t be.  I highly recommend this book to all parents of multiples, or actually anyone who is in any kind of relationship with a multiple.

(From Abby: Thank you to Amanda—please check out her great blog: www.txtwins.blogspot.com) 

• Category:
• Reviews & Praise

---

Okay, I know, I'm late to the party, but I FINALLY have a place for "comments" after each blog and I hope you won't leave me comment-less.  Yes, I'm unabashedly begging for candid feedback on my blog posts--any and all, past and current--at least for a little while, because, let's face it, I'm a needy blogger and neurotic New Yorker who can't face a blank box without questioning my self-worth.  Thank you in advance, Abby

• Category:

---

Feb 2010

In so many of my interviews with adult twins, what came across was inequality.  Inequality of expectations: One twin wanted more of the other.  One twin wanted more distance from the other.  One twin embraced the kitsch of doubleness; the other cringed at it.  One tolerates the reptitive twin jokes, the other bristles.  One wants more time; the other less.  One divulges, the other withholds.

If I learned anything in my two-plus years of research, (not to mention my own twinship), it's to realize that the impluse toward intimacy can diverge. Twins won't always want the same thing from each other, need each other the same amount, miss each other as much, want the same independence or attachment.  No matter how parallel twins' lives might be, they're not always in synch. 

Parents have to let that disparity alone. Twins have to let the asymmetry be. 

There may be disappointment on the part of parents or the twins, (okay, everyone may be disappointed), because it's deflating to realize twins don't have the idyllic bond so many mythologize and envy, but believe me, that bond is not in jeopardy; it's unbreakable.  That doesn't mean the friendship is always idyllic, seamless, balanced.   It will, at times, be lopsided.  And the sooner everyone accepts the seesaw, the better for the twins. 

• Category:

---

I recently finished Zachary Mason’s book, The Lost Books of the Odyssey, which re-imagines some of the stories Homer recounted – and invents legends which Homer left out.

It’s not always an easy read – Mason bounces around chronologically, which can be confusing, and I had to rely on my seventh-grade son for a Greek mythology refresher– but the writing is often luminous and the author’s creativity remarkable.

One story in particular stands out in my mind:  King Agamemnon summons his warriors -- Odysseus, Palamedes and Nestor-- and asks them to go find the single sentence that “contains the sum total of all wisdom.”

After years of searching, Agamemnon’s men come up with this answer: “And this, too, shall pass.” 

It spoke to me immediately: everything is ephemeral.  Nothing really lasts.  It could be a deflating message, or one that liberates.  If it’s true that everything is transient, if happiness, suffering, success, and missteps are fleeting, we should learn to savor what we hold in our hands at this moment, because it’s ultimately all there is.   We should live a little more freely, speak a little more truthfully, choose a little more passionately.   It’s not necessarily deflating to know that the worst pain will ultimately lessen and the greatest joy can’t buoy us forever.   It reminds me that we get through everything, and also can’t hang onto anything.  It’s again a reminder to really be in this moment because “This, too, shall pass.”  Or to let go of this moment, because “This, too, shall pass.”  Don’t give the tough times too much weight and angst because they’re temporary.  Don’t take the best times for granted because they’re evanescent.    

I’m sure we could debate forever whether this is the one sentence that distills the truth of the world, but it’s one that gets to the heart of every moment – no matter how blissful or painful.  Everything and everyone moves on, nothing stays: “This, too, shall pass.”

• Category:

---

I saw this wonderful "comment" about my book posted by a mom-of-twins blogger on a fellow mom-of-twins blog (I swear, moms-of-multiples are their own indefatigable, amazing species and a club to which I wish I belonged), and so I'm sharing it here, with your indulgence.  Thanks to "Momma Bear" on Two Boys and a Little Lady blog:

"I read that book immediately after seeing Abby and her sister on the Today Show talking about their experiences of being twins and what inspired her to write the book.  Well, now my copy is covered in highlighted sentences, paragraphs, and circles.  I really enjoyed the book.  My boys are not identical but I found it fascinating that it never occurred to parents to separate their twins, or get them involved in different activities.  Also, I was going crazy over the chapter where she uncovered how many moms have such trouble with two babies at once, almost as if it's a curse, and how many don't remember the first year.... I could go on.  It would be a great book to discuss among mothers of twins."   (see http://grayweeden26.blogspot.com/)

• Category:

---

Page 2 of 9 pages  <  1 2 3 4 >  Last »

---

One and the Same

My Life as an Identical Twin and What I've Learned About Everyone's Struggle to Be Singular

• » Amazon.com
• » Barnes & Noble


• » Borders.com
• » Indie Bookstores