Abigail Pogrebin

Jul 2010

Okay, so video chatting doesn't do my face any favors, but I hope you find this conversation interesting -- I think the interviewer from "Let My People Know" asked good questions, many of which I've heard from parents all over the country.   I'd love to know what you think: apogrebin@gmail.com.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-FNpbByWWA

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Okay, I know it's creepy and strange, but it moved me nonetheless in terms of twinship and how powerful the bond proves to be.

This week, news reports described the nutty discovery that a 91-year-old woman, Jean Stevens, in Wyalusing, PA had dug up her husband and twin sister to keep their corpses in the house with her for company.  She'd missed them and wanted them closer.  Especially her twin. 

"I think when you put them in the (ground), that's goodbye, goodbye," Stevens told the Associated Press. "In this way I could touch her and look at her and talk to her."

Her sister, June, whose back she rubbed while she was dying of cancer, was well turned out in her "best housecoat," and sprayed with Jean's favorite fragrance. 

"I'd go in, and I'd talk, and I'd forget," Stevens said. "I put glasses on her. When I put the glasses on, it made all the difference in the world. I would fix her up. I'd fix her face up all the time."

Yes, it's taking twin love too far, but it goes to something true that I heard over and over again in my interviews with twins: very often, there's something ineffable, unshakable, incomprehensibly deep about the bond between twins, and there isn't always logic -- or even sanity -- to that entwinement. 

So Jean and June were back together, even though only one was breathing.  Though Jean lost her bearings, it's not beyond understanding.  She couldn't let her twin go just yet.

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Jun 2010

I want to thank Jack Russell for giving me his blessing to let me share this remarkable letter he sent me.  Not everyone can write so movingly and beautifully about something that can't be easy every day.  I hope this spurs others to share their stories or even to offer Jack some advice.  I love the last line of his P.S. especially because it resonates with so many pairs I interviewed. 

 

First off, I'd like to thank you for your wonderful book.  It has given me great insight into the special relationship between my five year old identical twin boys and at many times in the book (I listened to it on CD during my commute) I found myself quite moved for reasons I couldn't entirely explain.  No doubt you find yourself innundated with twin stories since publishing your book, but I'll add one more anyway.
 
My boys were diagnosed with autism at age two, and later the diagnosis was changed to Asperger Syndrome.  They are now doing quite well and attending a typical kindergarten in the fall with no additional supports.  For obvious reasons this has become the focus of our parenting with special concern to developing social skills and learning how to make friends, etc.  Because of this the "twin issue" has really been downplayed and prior to your book I don't think I was fully appreciating how their twinness would/has impacted their development aside from autism.
 
There seems to be very little research, in terms of pyscology or development, in this area.  The few studies I can find are mainly around the study of concordance, but I think there is a fascinating area of research on how the impact of being a twin with an autism spectrum disorder affects long-term prognosis.  For us I believe it is a double-edged sword.  The boys are incredibly gifted intellectually with pronounced hyperlexia and photographic memories, which they flout equally.  Because of this their "play" is of a type that excludes any typically developing five year old.  If you can't list all 10 chapters in all 43 Magic Tree House books, or name every book illustrated by Maurice Sendeck you just aren't of interest to them.  So, because they get the feedback they need in their selected topics of interest they don't branch out at all.  But on the flip side they have developed a true friendship with their brother.  They communicate in real ways that would not be expected in an individual with Asperger's.  They have learned the skills required for friendship and I really believe without their twin they simply would not have done so, at least not at this age.  They don't extend it to other children (they do with adults) yet, but at least I know the twinship has given them the "skills" to do so at some time in the future.
 
Anyway, I just thought I would share and ask if by any chance in your studies for the book you had come across people looking into this issue, or who might be interested in this kind of question.
 
Thanks again for your work,
 
Jack Russell
 
P.S. The boys were premature and spent about 6 weeks in the NICU.  When one was upset the nurses would simply put them together and they would curl together and calm.  Because they were always on monitors you could really see their heart rates syncronize.  It was quite astonishing.  It is therefore hard for me to deny that they didn't know each other already.

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May 2010

"I observe my twins differently because of Abigail’s book..."

-motherhoodsquared

Link:

Last month, Polish President Lech Kaczynski was killed in a plane crash, along with his wife and several key leaders of the country. I read the story and thought “how tragic.” And then I moved on. Because that’s what internet news does – there’s so much of it, that we run the risk of becoming desensitized.

Later that same day, though, someone posted a message on my Mothers of Multiples forum stating that the President was survived by his identical twin, Jaroslaw Kaczynski. And that struck a chord in me. Because I had recently finished reading a book about twins called One and The Same: My Life as an Identical Twin And What I’ve Learned About Everyone’s Struggle to be Singular written by Abigail Pogrebin and in it there was a chapter about twins and death and how, especially for identical twins, the loss of a twin is akin to losing a spouse. And my heart broke for Jaroslaw.

“The thrust of my book,” Abigail Pogrebin emailed, “is about identity – how to forge individuality when raising two simultaneously – but my book takes a deep look at twins from every angle: what it’s really like to be one, raise one, even tragically lose one. I also explore IVF, why twins have different health trajectories, and the inevitable “twin shock” of raising two at a time. I interview many twins – including football stars Tiki and Ronde Barber and remarkable twin survivors of the chilling Dr. Mengele experiments in World War II –but the spine of the book is my own story, which, I think you’ll find is a somewhat surprising, very candid window into twinship.”

Uh huh, I thought, skeptically. Because I’m all about forging individuality and I was a little suspect of reading anything supporting “twinship.” Because c’mon: it’s just two people who happened to form in the womb at the same time.

BUT HERE’S THE THING.

I read the book. And for all my affinity toward independence and individuality, I found One And The Same to be a very compelling and eye-opening read. I laughed. I cried. And I was stood still:

I have been so focused on fostering independence and differentiation that I had, until I read this book, failed to fully embrace the awe and wonder and respect for the “twin thing.” It was heartfelt insights from her book that I was open to letting Raffy leave Mateo’s room.

There is a chapter where Abigail interviews a surviving-vanishing-twin, a physician-turned-photographer who discusses his passion for photographing twins…naked. Like, adult twins. I know. But the message he conveys is how twins in his shoots end up in positions of comfort all on their own, often in positions they were in in the womb, doing things they did in there: poking at each other, sucking one another’s thumbs, holding a foot.

The morning after reading that particular chapter, I watched my twins interact with one another, except this time, rather than standing at the ready to separate them, I just watched. Yes, in all the space available to Mateo and Harper, at some point they will end up trying to occupy the same square inch, pushing on each other, leading with their heads, neither falling away, neither complaining, seemingly just part of they’re mutual existence. Sometimes it ends up a fight, but often times not. I watched them in awe because I remembered that this is exactly what they would do in the womb. We saw it on sonograms, I felt it for several months, and they still do it today.

It’s fascinating.

I observe my twins differently because of Abigail’s book.

Thank you, Abby, for being persistent. And for giving me a new perspective on the gift and uniqueness of twins.

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• Reviews & Praise

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"There are many things to which I related..."

-Dr. Susan A. Treloar - University of Queensland, Australia

Link:

Engaging…I would recommend this book to twins in particular, but also to people who are interested in twins, including their family members and friends….It will be an enjoyable read for many…We will all take away, ponder different messages and reflect, in which case Abigail has achieved her aim. It is a very brave book in laying bare her own feelings and her own twinship. I would certainly recommend it.

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Apr 2010

Please don't miss this incredible film by my friend, Barak Goodman, on PBS tomorrow night.  Tape it.  TiVo it.  He's a brilliant storyteller and you will never forget this story.

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"One and the Same is a fresh alternative to traditional how-to guidebooks for parents expecting two or more."

-Christina Tinglof

Link:

I hope you’ll all go to Christina Tinglof’s essential site for parents of twins: talk-about-twins.com.  It was wonderful before she added a section about my book, but now, as you can imagine, I love it even more. 

http://talk-about-twins.com/html/one_and_the_same__an_interview.html

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"...a MUST read not only for multiples themselves, but also for the parents who love them."

-Lynda Haddon

Link:

I’ve read a lot of books about multiples, and this one I could not put down.  It is one thing to raise multiples and address the unique challenges, joys and pleasures of doing same, but quite another to be a multiple.  In her research, Pogrebin has not only drawn on her experiences and journey with her monozygotic sister, but interviewed a plethora of well-known experts in the field of multiples (many of them being multiples themselves) as well as speaking with many sets of multiples across the U.S.  In addition she attended the International Society of Twins Studies Conference in Belgium to gather more data and attended the annual Conference of Twins held in Twinsburg, Ohio.  As most of us in-the-know are aware, this Conference is a melting pot for multiples from all over the world. 

What follows is a riveting, entertaining, informative, insightful and educational journey which is a MUST read not only for multiples themselves, but also for the parents who love them.  Pogrebin presents the many nuances of being a multiple, some complicated, some simple, how multiples are “entangled” and how both parties will usually attempt to seek individuality within their multipleship and when (e.g. marriage).  And some can’t see themselves apart, even for a moment.  In addition, she explores the unique circumstances around when one dies and what that event can mean for the survivor.
I could not put this book down, really.  For anyone involved with multiples in any form, this book is definitely the crème de la crème!

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It's true, they're an ocean away and I never knew them, but three years ago, I came close to interviewing the Polish president, Lech Kaczynski, and his identical twin, Jaroslaw-- then Polish prime minister-- for my book, One and the Same.  I ended up deciding that Poland was too far to go for one twin pair, though these two fascinated me: their parallel success in politics and their recognizable entwinement as twins. 

And now one is twinless.  The president died Saturday in a terrible plane crash that also killed his wife and half his senior government. 

The first thought I had was for his brother.  Everything I learned researching twin loss -- much of which fills my chapter, "And Then There Was One"-- flooded back to me this weekend as I thought about what Jaroslaw Kaczynski must be feeling. He must obviously participate in the official mourning of the state, but there is unquestionably a very private anguish.   Twin loss isn't a superior grief, but I do believe it's a singular one.  

The photo of Jaroslaw pressing his head against his brother's coffin spoke louder than any eulogy.  

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Mar 2010

"I was immediately drawn in..."

-Anna B

Link:

As the mom of 6-year-old triplets, consisting of a set of identical twin girls and a boy, my husband and I have always looked at their relationship with a sort of wonder. What would it be like to have someone always with you? How is it that they can sooth each other with the touch of a hand? I have sisters, but what must it be like to have not only a brother the same age but a sister who is your identical? We look in wonder as one of my daughters asks the other to turn around so she can see “what our hair looks like” rather than using a mirror. Aside from awe inspiring, it has always made us curious.
Abigail Pogrebin gave me a wonderful glimpse into the world of identical twins in her book, “One and the Same”. I was immediately drawn in, and immersed myself in her interviews which covered a wide variety of identical twin pairs. Each interview gave a further glimpse into a different aspect of what it is like to live life as an identical.  Some of the interviews tugged at my heart strings, like the one that interviewed a set of triplets, consisting of identical girls and a fraternal. The fraternal sister always felt a bit set apart, which made me think of what it must be like for my son.  Other interviews made my heart ache as the pairs described a gradual growing apart as they grew older (which as a mom of 6-year-olds is hard to imagine), or as the topics of terminal disease as it is related to identical twins was discussed. Mostly the interviews moved me further to a sense of awe as the pairs described ‘love affairs’ with each other. It’s the only way to sufficiently describe it. The need many twins have to touch each other, the way they finish each other’s thoughts, the self-described closeness is like none other. This book contained a perfect balance of interview, personal stories, and science that made it very hard to put down!
‘One and the Same’ sheds a fascinating light on to the world of identical twins. The quest they face to remain connected to each other while forging independence. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has or knows identical twins as well as anyone who is curious about this amazing bond.

Check out triplethelove.blogspot.com

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One and the Same

My Life as an Identical Twin and What I've Learned About Everyone's Struggle to Be Singular

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